Recently, I was asked by a host mom about curfews. “Our first au pair arrives in just 2 weeks and we are so excited!", she said. "One thing that my husband and I are still considering is her curfew – my husband feels that because she is a 22-year-old, we have no right to give her a curfew.  In my opinion, we should have some rules and curfews in place.  What do you think?”
 
When it comes to curfews,  I always remind host families that the au pairs are adults, so the host family has no obligation to keep tabs on her or give her a curfew.   However, that does not mean that some structure and expectations should not be in place.  In fact, this is an important part of every match.  To start, au pairs and host families should be having conversations about their expectations as early as the matching process.   Many families require their au pair to be home and in bed 8 hours before their shift begins – no matter the age of your au pair, this is an acceptable rule to have in place.  Having a “car curfew” (for example, the car has to be home at 11, au pair can be home anytime) is also common. 
 
This most important part of the equation is communication - asking your au pair to call or text you if she decides to sleep at a friend’s house or will be home with the car much later than planned can give you piece of mind and will get your au pair into the habit of checking in with you.   It is important that the rules you put in place are appropriate, and it is also important for your au pair to respect them.  You should always consult your Area Director if a question about curfew comes up, but by keeping the lines of communication open, you’ll be well on your way to a smooth -  and fun –year together.
 

This week I had a question from au pair Rina asking about a trip her host family had planned.  "My host parents want to take me with them to Brazil with them this summer for 5 weeks.  I don't mind going (though if given a choice I'd rather stay here), but if I do go I will not be able to come to the US for my last month and 13th month, since it will be close to the time my visa will expire.  Do I have to go to Brazil with them?"

Rina, these are great questions and it's important to clear up confusion on travel overseas.  First, the program does not allow for travel outside the US at any point for longer than 4 weeks.  This type of trip also needs to be mutually agreeable.  In your situation, you are right, since your program year ends in August a summer trip would mean that you could not return to the US afterwards.

When host families apply to the program, Area Directors go over all details of the program, including travel.  The limitations the Department of State puts on travel should not be a surprise to host families.

Recently, I came across a great article warning of the many untrustworthy ads for au pairs found on the web. Anyone who has searched for a job or a childcare provider (anything, really!) on the internet recently has come across deceptive or suspicious advertisements. While some of these are blatantly false, others are quite convincing. The prevalence of these types of ads once again underscores just how important it is to use a Department of State designated agency such as AuPairCare to host.

The Department of State created the au pair program for just this reason - to protect host families and au pairs. I often hear complaints from participants about the program rules, and some of them are valid. Families who work four 11-hour shifts find themselves wondering why their schedule isn't within the guidelines that set the au pair’s maximum of 10 working hours per day. Au pairs often ask me why volunteer hours don't count towards their educational requirement. The answer comes down to Department of State rules, which are in place not to annoy or make life difficult, but to protect all involved.  

When families and au pairs find each other informally on the web and not through and agency, each party is giving up a valuable layer of protection in the screening and background check of each party. Agency and partner abroad work hard to vet families and au pairs to make sure that they will have a suitable placement. 

Another very important part of the puzzle is your local Area Director. She is your knowledgeable resource as problems or questions arise. In those rare occasions where, for example, a host family is requiring their au pair to work more than her allotted 45 hours a week, 10 hours a day, the Area Director can step in to counsel the host family on the proper guidelines and, if necessary, remove the au pair from the home if rules are not being followed. 

When rules and procedures are followed, there is a greater chance that matches will be smooth and uneventful. Protect yourself by using an agency like AuPairCare, developing a strong relationship with your Area Director, and understanding your participant agreement to know your rights and expectations.

Obviously there are many rules and expectations you should discuss with your au pair,  both during interviews and once she's in your home. A big one? Friends.

Here are some things to consider when it comes to your au pair's social life:

• Boyfriends or male friends in general
• Playdates with other au pairs and their host children during work hours
• Overnight visitors
• Au pair staying at friends' houses on nights off
• Out-of-town visitors, including friends and family from au pair's home country
• Dress code for both au pair and her friends while in the house and around the children
• Car use, driving friends around
• Eating and drinking with friends in the house

Remember that although the au pair lives there too, it is your home and you can set limits as you feel comfortable. Don't feel pressured either way. If you are okay with any or all of the above visitors,  it is important to also go over your expectations. I tell my au pairs at Orientation that they should always ask their host families ahead of time if it's okay to have a guest over in advance, and remind them to introduce said friend upon arrival if they are not known to the family.

Under no circumstances should an au pair give out your phone number or address to casual acquaintances, nor should she post information or pictures on Facebook without first getting your permission. You will also want to remind your au pair that it is not acceptable for them to have long phone chats with friends and family while they are on duty, nor is it ok to be texting, emailing, Skyping or on Facebook (or indeed generally on the computer) while working. (You may tell the au pair that nap time is an appropriate time for this.)

It's great to encourage your au pair to get out there and make some friends. This is her year in the US, after all! The happier and more fulfilled she feels, the more eager and glad she'll be to give her all to your kids and your family. If you have any tips or stories about your au pair's social life, or your social life as an au pair, we'd love to hear them!