This week, I heard from a host mom who was helping her au pair fill out her paperwork for her return flight.  This paperwork, like the extension application, is due to headquarters the first of the month before the au pairs program year ends, and allows her to choose her top choices for departure dates and cities. 

Louisa and her host mom wondered if Louisa was allowed to say in the area after her year ended.  Her plan was to stay with her host family for a week to visit friends, go on a trip for a week, and then come back to her host family home for a few days to sat her final goodbyes and pack. 

I let them know that this was a fine arrangement - at the end of their year, au pairs are allowed to remain in the US for up to one month.  This is a perfect time to travel and see sights they missed during their year.  Louisa was thrilled for the chance to spend a little extra time with everyone she had grown to love during her year before returning home to school.

 You've done it! You've found the perfect au pair and had an amazing year (or two) together. Now it's time for her to leave. You have forged a relationship that will cross oceans and continents as well as decades. You may have even made plans for a visit soon. You wish your au pair the best and have nothing but good memories, but this is a tough transition. Here are a few tips on how to make it a little easier on everyone.

Be Prepared

This is important for you and your au pair, and especially for your children. Talk about her leaving, get out those maps you used to show the kids where she came from and explain that she will return. Talk about feelings and how you will keep in touch with your au pair. Try to arrange for each child to have some special one on one time with your au pair before she goes.

Consider an Overlap

For your sanity, try to have your next au pair arrive before the previous one leaves. This can offer a valuable teaching time for your new au pair, as well as a way for her to meet some of your previous au pair's friends. It can also help the children transition - when they see that their au pair likes and trusts the 'new girl', they may be more willing to as well.

Make her Trip Home a Little Easier

Finally, help her plan and prepare as much as you can. Offer travel advice if she'll be seeing America during her 13th month, or help her make travel plans to and from the airport or train station.  Extravagant going-away presents are not necessary, but I find a little travel pack is always be appreciated and certainly helpful. Gum, snacks, hand sanitizer, lotion, magazines, crossword puzzles...anything within the FAA regulations that will make her trip a little easier and more enjoyable. Remember the 3:1:1 rule -3.4oz container, 1 quart ziploc bag, 1 bag per person.

Goodbyes are never fun, but it is possible to make the departure a positive experience. I'd love to hear from au pairs and families who had a good departure or transition experience.

They come, you love them, and then they leave. Wait--am I talking about children or au pairs? The au pair process does seem to encapsulate some of the larger issues of life to me, and it can be a good training ground for your kids to learn about love and leaving. Doesn't mean that it will be easy, especially if you have young children and your au pair has stayed two years. In that case, the departure of your adored au pair may be the first loss of a caregiver that your child remembers.

You are the best judge of how best to prepare your child and how soon to do it. Be sure and speak to your au pair early and agree on a plan. If you decide that two weeks is long enough for your three year-old to contemplate the loss of "Julie", let Julie know before she mentions something casually a month ahead of time. Children need lots of help to understand that the leaving is not because of them. That your au pair needs to go back to her own family is usually acceptable as a reason. My host families have found that having a particular contact time agreed on before departure helps soothe feelings. They can tell their kids that although Julie goes to the airport on Saturday, they will be able to talk to her on Tuesday and tell her about their soccer game, etc. How you keep in touch after that will be entirely up to both parties.

Don't forget that you and your au pair have your own loss issues to deal with, and they can be poignant. I still can't think about Roseni from Brazil without feeling a deep pang. Many families do keep up with past au pairs. I have heard about many visits in both directions, and families who maintain communication on a fairly regular basis.

The other side of the coin is the new au pair. She is arriving at the airport wide-eyed and with butterflies in her stomach wondering how her year-long adventure is going to go. It can be handy for busy parents to have one au pair train the next and overlap with them for a week or two. However, this can be especially painful for the new au pair. Her big debut is as second fiddle to an au pair who has deep bonds with the kids. Seeing that connection and the big good-bye celebrations given to the departing au pair is likely to make anyone feel abandoned and out of the spotlight. If you need to overlap au pairs, address the feelings that overlaps can create with both au pairs, and perhaps have a second "arrival" ceremony for Ms. New after Ms. Old exits.

Lastly, take it from me that the first au pair change-over is the most strongly felt. After that, children seem to understand that although the love and the relationship is very real, the au pair will not always live with them. Good luck on your transition! Please comment if you have a strategy to help your kids or your au pair with this big event.

This month 2 delightful au pairs from my Orlando region completed their program year and headed back home to their native countries.  Hannah went home to New Zealand to start college as a teacher.  Laura returns to Germany after a travel adventure in the USA during her 30 day grace period.  These girls have new goals and challenges to tackle.  As their Area Director, I will miss them and wish them success.  I also know their host families will undergo a transition period as they adjust to the departure.

Prior to returning home, the girls received a Return Flight Request form by email a few months before their departure.  The au pair fills this form out and returns it to the SF office by the designated deadline.  Late forms are charged a $100. fee.  The au pair who completes her program can choose 3 potential departure dates for us to book her paid flight.  She can also decide to travel during the 30 day grace period given to au pairs who finish their program year and then fly home afterward.  Au pairs submit their Education Completion paperwork detailing their signed 60 hours of coursework (downloaded from Au Pair Room)  to their Area Director.  If the au pair successfully completed her required education she may be eligible for a bonus.  Not all au pairs receive a bonus.  It is based on the au pair contract they signed in their native country.  Au pairs who finsh all the program requirements receive a Certificate of Completion.

It can be emotional to say goodbye to your au pair.  I advise host families to help children understand in advance that at some point, their au pair needs to go home to her country and her family.  It helps if the children know up front to expect this departure.  Talk/share about the au pair's plans once she gets home such as starting college or getting married so the kids can know what the au pair will be doing once she leaves.  It is a good idea to have the au pair and children and host parents as well, make a scrapbook or photo album to remember their time together.  Often my host families will have departure dinners with the au pair's favorite American foods and special friends or family are invited.  Encourage the host children to keep in touch with the au pair after she leaves by providing email contact and pre-addressed stationary for the children to write their au pair.  Perhaps your au pair will visit you in the future or you will travel to see her in her country.  As a family take your au pair to see her off at the airport! 

Help the children transition to the new au pair by creating a bond ahead of time.  The kids should be allowed to learn about the new au pair prior to arrival and get to communicate with her.  Talk about the differences in the 2 au pairs and how they might do things differently.  Sometimes host families will schedule an overalp between the outgoing au pair and the incoming au pair to help with training.  This can be positive or negative, depending on your situation.  It is unrealistic to expect the new au pair to immediately fill the shoes of the outgoing au pair. 

A childhood rhyme comes to mind as I think about au pairs returning home and the new ones arriving bright eyed and eager to the host families to start their year, "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold".  After all, a departure means a new arrival and a new adventure in childcare and cultural exchange.